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And we also have to be willing to expect the same from ourselves. You went on this date to simply ENJOY this person now. You may be willing to overlook red flags, put up with abuse or neglect, or date “down,” all for the purpose of stuffing that void within you. How can you tell if someone has the same belief in loyalty, respect or kindness as you do?
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These are all unrealistic expectations and you are setting yourself up for a huge let down. Healthy dating is about meeting other people who are also complete. You can certain enjoy the thoughts of her that pop into your head the next day, but don’t imagine what your children will look like. The more you fantasize, or obsess the more you remove the organic nature of what is meant to happen versus what is not meant to happen. It’s like an alcoholic hanging out in a bar after he has given up drinking. Online dating may be great for healthy people, but not for love addicts. Like it or not, you need to play by the antiquated, SAFE rules from days of yore. It usually means a full blown commitment and an excuse to obsess over someone. A love addict’s job is to learn to defer gratification. Keeping a journal helps us to stay on track and remember how we felt and what we sensed in those first hours. It sounds counterintuitive when talking about dating. Only then are we able to allow our emotions to “speak up,” once our logical brain has first determined that we are safe and secure. And I do not suggest you try to find out what your date thinks about child rearing on date #1.
Letting things happen organically means living in the now. Gently push those wanting, needing and fantasy thoughts from your head and replace them with thoughts on your work, or what you are presently doing. This is hard work, but in the end, it’s EASIER this way!!!! I say this not just to the women, but the men as well. That’s why it needs to be put on the back burner for a significant amount of time (3 months? To sniff out a person for red flags FIRST, before making any heavy duty commitments, physical or otherwise. Be sure to write down your first impression, how you felt, if you noticed or felt anything funny, if something didn’t add up. So, all those emotions howling at you, telling you that they are convinced 100% that it’s love, after the first or second date? But I do suggest that you know what YOUR values are on all these things so that you know what to look out for and how to assess the other person within time. Healthy people are cautious, curious, protective with their emotions.
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I should know — I used online dating for nearly a decade (! Many people walk away and never reach their love goals online or anywhere else because they become fed up with the highs and lows that are inherent to online dating. They don't know one another but they have a few things in common: they both love sports, have dogs, work out, are attractive, and enjoy the theater.You can’t go on a first date and expect that a person will call you back for a second date, if that person is not interested. We are not looking to be “completed.” We must begin to understand that we are complete, as is. Online dating sites are a petrie dish of toxicity for the love addict. Because they are filled with three things: the hope of instant gratification (finding someone with one click), the promotion of fantasy-based exchanges (when you don’t have a clear picture of someone you are free to “fill in the blanks” and create what you want that person to be), and the almost complete removal of the crucial human necessity to judge someone realistically, in person, FIRST, before getting emotionally attached to them. More than that, it might save you from obsessing more than you would if you have sex. I am convinced that every red flag a person might have pops up on the first or second date, if we really pay attention. Our logical brains are screaming at us to leave a bad relationship. Trouble is, because we have been off balance for so many years, we need the pendulum to swing in the opposite direction. Where does he or she stand on marriage, affairs, children, parenting, age, eating, working out, drugs, sex, intimacy and so on.And you can’t go on a first date (or a second or third) and start expecting that the two of you are automatically a couple. And if we don’t feel complete on our own, we need to bring ourselves there first. Letting things happen organically means removing the fantasy…100%. You can think about the wonderful feeling of his touch, but do not try on his name and imagine the two of you on an Alaskan Cruise as Honeymooners. One of the most important steps a recovering love addict can take is to abandon any idea of online dating. Because love addicts need to learn to defer gratification, control their susceptibility to fantasy, and be able to judge people realistically, online dating is a bad idea. Cosmopolitan magazine recently wrote that not having sex on the first date is “outdated.” In other words, go ahead, girls, that rule is “antiquated and harmful” and produces “unnecessary anxiety and shame about something normal and natural: dating and sex.” Unfortunately, they were NOT talking to a love addict. Trouble is, when we want something bad enough, we are willing to ignore the red flags, and ignore our gut instincts. We need to depend more on our logical brain so that we begin to trust it again. Most of these things seem world’s away from a first-time meeting.Search by Country, State, City and/or zip and postal code.Find Gay Sober Love and develop Friendships with other Single, Sober Gay Men and Single Sober Lesbians in Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous and all Gay Programs of Recovery from around the World. But a recovering love addict is a totally different, unique individual who has to approach dating with far more precaution than the average guy or girl. If you are still emotionally attached to a person, it keeps you safe from having to date someone new, and thus, experience the possibility of new pain and rejection. Many love addicts who still have a person of addiction (Po A) on their brain long after the relationship has ended (this is a torchbearer, by the way) do so not because they still love them or think they will get back together, but as a form of protection.And here’s something Cosmo won’t tell you, what’s the hurry? What was your logical brain picking up on, versus your heart (emotions)? Case in point, I went on a date many years ago with a good looking guy who, on our very first date, asked if I wanted to get high. They don’t call every two seconds, they don’t profess love right away. If you’re into someone, and they’re into you, and you plan to spend your lives together, why not wait? While this may seem like overkill, it will help you in your process and your ability to “learn” to date healthily. I said, no thanks, and despite it bothering me enormously (because it’s something I can’t handle) I kept dating him. I knew I didn’t like drugs and I knew I didn’t like being around people who did drugs. Had I known my values, I would have saved myself a lot of time and emotional angst. They don’t drink like a fish or do drugs or try to sweet talk you into bed after a 2.5 hour date. And while I do not suggest scrutinizing people too early on in the dating process, I do suggest being open to communicating, and being patient in cultivating a relationship. Find Friendship Support and Love for Gay and Lesbian Sober Singles in AA, NA, Al-Anon, OA, GA and all Gay Friends in Recovery Welcome to Sober Gay Dating.com, The ONLY Sober Gay Dating Site devoted to Sober Gay Men, Sober Gay Lesbians, and Sober Gay Singles (and Friends) in the GLBT community who are in AA, NA and any 12 Step Program of Recovery.